Since October 2017

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

Gave myself a break since last I posted. But January is a beginning in many ways for me, so I decided to write a little, pray a little, shake my head a little at the helplessness I feel watching as snow falls from the sky, wondering whether I will actually make it out of the flat today.

I have done a lot of writing since October 2017; significant was the month of October, emotionally, and I felt a lot of shame at how much I was made to feel in the weeks that followed. The weeks that continue to follow, sometimes endlessly it seems. So there wasn't much personal sharing but too much dry-eyedness. Only God really knows. This tearlessness wasn't so much progress as it was concentrating my focus on academics and assignments and feeling stupid at the idea of hurt especially with so many external voices telling me different things, my voice just kind of bent over backward, nodding at the conflicting things I heard.  So here is my voice: 

we lived, we loved, we learned. and then it ended (dated sometime since October 2017)

in the short year i’ve known you, i’ve managed to forget a reality without you in it, when my reality was that i knew who i was, but i’ve since reshaped my position in relation to where you stood.

without us i’ve lost the ground i thought was firm enough to carry you back to me.

vulnerability is trusting someone else to keep your feet warm so much so that you let your heart pump its heat out through your extremities, and the truth

is that i used to run my fingers along your beard to tell you i wanted to trust you with this love. and i asked you not to break this heart, reaching out to you through these fingertips,

but now, i want to exchange these fragments and memories for a time where i didn’t know what it was to shed tears for a love as fickle as ours,

a time before i hid sentiment in poetry

a time before we were put down in the long list of short stories

where we lived

we learned

and we loved

and then that love ended

before i had wanted it to.

a rose is a rose is a rose, without explanation.
so hurt is hurt, without justification.

I had been writing a short story (it is still up on the blog, click the link) before October, and I couldn't bring myself to read through it, write more of it, acknowledge that it was still hanging around the blogosphere considering my state of mind was just not about that romance ish anymore. I remember having so many plans for the story, what was more difficult to admit was that the story was contingent on how real life came at me, and when real life came at me, well... my last entry was in September, 2017, edited through to October's earliest days.

Untitled (dated sometime since October 2017):

this heart is a rock 

i’ve asked God not to let it happen

i’ve asked Her to keep me soft in her Grace

but no matter how many times I spit these words out

bitter is bitter is

bitter

and the aftertaste

doesn’t seem to wash away

i wonder

what taste i’ve left

in your

mouth.

Personal heartbreak aside though, I've had much to celebrate in personal achievement. First of all, my skin is glowing, hair is thriving, brows are fleeking, and that grill gleaming.  *snap ya fingaz*. Lord knows I been going through the "way too pretty to let hittas do me ugly" thing, I been going through it. On the fleekiest days I am still going through it.

Other than the gold - no highlight - (okay I'm done), I've had the privilege of performing at the BSEEN networking event for startups on the 9th of November 2017,  I went to a report launch at the TATE in London on how galleries can help young people conduct positive change, I wrote my most popular blog post (which tbh upon re-reading is worthy of re-writing with more analysis), built the courage to start a faebook page (show some love!), and I took part in a project that I will not spoil right now but that hopefully, I will get to share very soon, it's been a very exciting couple of months. 

On top of all of that, I had the most fantastic family and friends who continue to be there on the good and difficult days, about matters of the heart, or academics, or just how scary it is that my future (as in after graduation) is creeping up really quickly. 

Also, GOD. Amen?

So I'm good. I got me, and my loved ones got me, and God's got me. I have a lot of joy, always. Which isn't to say that I didn't have to take certain measures for personal sanity, I'm still doing that, still make room for myself, taking up all the space I need for my own healing.

Next, I really think that my life as a painter is really improving, and thriving. I actually want to start printing some stuff pretty soon, not just talk. My sis even got me new paint and paintbrushes and the quality of the stuff she got me is actually tangibly and visibly different from what I had before.

It's still snowing, smh.

January marked the beginning of my 21st revolution around the sun. New beginnings compounding, telling me to turn my heart into a tabula rasa. 

I received roses from across the world and I learned that red roses are my favorite type of flower. They are stunning and match my favorite lipstick, and I will them to live forever.

There was so much love around me that weekend, my father called me, nostalgic, unbelieving that it's actually been long since his baby could fall asleep right on his chest, and fit weightlessly (almost) in his arms. I cried when I spoke to him. And my mother's unfailing love celebrating on my behalf miles away from me, eating with friends to my health and my joy. My parents are really all of me. My siblings called, my sister incredulous that I am actually a big big woman, my brother telling me he loves me, me saying I loved him back (it's a big deal). My friends celebrating with me and really really showing me that they actually know me better than I would have imagined. More friends sending love from the corner of the world they found themselves in.  

13/01/18

I was asked to list my ambitions and resolutions for the year. The top 5 were:

1. Healing, this heartbreak life ain't it lol. I'm too pretty for this 💁🏿‍♀️
2. Graduate well. I can. I will. I have proclaimed it.
3. Appreciate the love I have, coming from everywhere, more. Appreciate the people in my life more.
4. Accept the things that are.
5. Thank God for life, for the people She has placed in it, and trust Her. Always.

I might update this post as the days go, as I remember new things, experience new things. Or rather, I'll create a label for personal experience and put posts like these under the label. I also have plans to write about my academic experience at UoB, and about some of the amazing things being done by Change 1's life.

Will leave you with one last poem, thank you for sticking it out until the end. While you're here, might as well check out the rest of my blog! 

Of fresh canvases (dated today 20/01/18)

this year will be different

there will be no talk of replacements 

of love with

alcohol sweaty bodies

and hair rancid with tobacco.

no

holding on to compliments from stranger mouths

none of that.

this year, I proclaim it,

will be radically different

because i resolve to start over

every day

shamelessly.

early in the morning with the sun,

that dies and is reborn

shamelessly,

every day

since the dawn of time.

Yasmina Nuny 20/01/18