Making time for rest and relationships: a discussion with Oppy

Scroll to the bottom for the audio version and this time, if you're a reader, make sure you listen for a fuller experience of my discussion with  the one and only Oppy Sobitan. Allow the quality, we do what we can over Zoom.

Edit: resource #5 does not feature in the audio, but it's worth the read!

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

Ya girl is tiredt. Did I mention I have a full-time job? Yeah, I do comms at a local NGO. I've handed in my notice, but I'll be working there until mid-December and the last month and a half has been BUSY busy. Also, I just got back from a work trip - I hope to tell you about it soon if I ever get back to writing more (ask me what it took to even do the blogpost for this week. Go on, ask me). Freelance writing is not even part-time at this point, it's "when I have time", which is never, and though being out of Bissau alleviates my mental and emotional exhaustion, I came back with physical exhaustion to make up for the mental de-stress that comes from being out of the capital. Now that I'm back I imagine I'll get exhausted again quickly until this event is over and done with and I can see my partner again. 

Speaking of him, my tiredness and stress and his tiredness and stress had an effect on our relationship, which is why I have invited him to do this post with me. We are both in a place where we feel burnt out and we are literally counting down the days until we take our holiday. Being so busy has meant that we haven't been able to prioritise each other as we normally would, often sacrificing our quality time, that is already compromised because of the whole long-distance thing (which, by the way is very long) to be able to get work done. Our ways of coping with work stress aren't the same; while he would seek comfort by speaking to me (and if I was there, hugging me until he feels better), I deal with work stress by panic working, and trying to do everything I need to get done without interruption and with many tears and attempts at slowing down my breath. I don't appreciate having time taken away from the things I need to get done when I'm stressed. And so, we clashed. 

Visual representation of a clash between me and a man who refuses to pose for the picture
(Quinhamel, March 2020)

In conversation with Oppy

NB: this is an abridged version of the conversation. If you want access to the full transcript, drop me a message and I'll be happy to send that to you as soon as possible!

YS = me and OS = Oppy 

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*The above image of Oppy is courtesy of Iyin, click the link to check out some of her wonderful work!

YS: Tell us who you are and why you're here today.

OS: My name is Oppy and I work in a bank. I've been doing this for about 3 to 4 years now and I'm in my late 20s. I was invited here by you to talk about resting because, and especially as I am back home right now, it's been a big factor in my relationships, not only with my partner but also my relationship to my friends and my health. So that's why I'm here today.

YS: Just to clarify, I'm his partner. I invited him on to do this because we had a moment about a week or two ago where we were both really stressed and burnt out and counting down the days until we had a holiday. So I invited him on because of the moment that we had where we were actually quite upset with each other because in that moment we were not giving each other what we needed because of how stressed we had been. Oppy, tell us a bit about what happened.

OS: So last week I was busy with a lot of work and you were also busy with work and, in the past something we've always had was when either one of us was busy there was a place where we could call each other and talk and rely on each other as a support in those periods. This time, with both of us being busy, I needed a buffer and I reached out to you and you didn't have the capacity to give that support. You couldn't prioritise me in the moment and that's something that we do for each other; we give each other priority and in the moment we couldn't and because we couldn't I went into self-defence mode because I wasn't being protected there. I was hurt.

YS: Similarly, when you expressed that to me, and I was not trying to hurt him by any means, but when he told me he was hurt, my automatic reaction was to be defensive as well, and I was thinking "well, when you're busy and you need time, then I give that to you, so I don't understand why that's not reciprocated". But then, after the anger, once we talked it out, though I understand when you get busy and you cannot give me time, it would still be nice to have it. 

It's kind of hard in the world we live in to figure out how to give your partner enough attention when the world requires so much of you. We did talk about communicating very clearly what our needs are in those moments, but also being understanding of what your partner needs. So, in a moment like that because we're clashing, because of how we deal with stress so differently - I end up focusing on the work and I don't want to be interrupted because that stresses me out more whereas for you...

OS: The way I deal with stress is by taking regular breaks and having regular distractions. I just need to get my mind off of everything I'm doing and have a quick break and then get back into the work. So we clashed because you didn't want to take a break but I needed to take a break and so there was a conflict there.

YS: When we did talk it out later on, when the hurt on his side and the anger on my side subsided, we talked about communication and about being discerning enough to understand what your partner needs, and it's about figuring out how to meet each other halfway. So, moving forward, what would you make sure to do then?

OS: I'll tell you ahead of schedule that I'm going to have a busy day and in moments when I have free time, I can't just assume that you're free as well, and I have to check to make sure that you're free. It's ongoing communication.

YS: For me, I think, it's finding patience in moments of stress. It's hard to do, but I have to actively be aware that work stress is not the fault of the people around me. It's a capitalist world that asks a lot of us but I have to make the decision that in this moment I will make time for my partner and my friends and my family.

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Writing this, I'm realising that this post doesn't talk about making time for rest at all and I guess that's because I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. For now, weekends just don't seem long enough and it feels like Monday, like the asshole that it is, keeps coming around unsolicited and it's upsetting me and my homegirls (my homegirls is Oppy.) 

If any of you are burnt out or feeling its onset, here are some resources that I hope you find useful and encouraging:

1. I found last week's MXMMondays newsletter very encouraging (subscribe to the newsletter here) in terms of carving time out for my blog. She dropped Hebrews 12:11 that says: 

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

But she also did ask us to allow her to take a break when she does. It's all about the balance baby. 

2. Amani, a psychologist in clinical training has a video about identifying emotional burnout because you can't work on something you don't know you're dealing with!

3. Amara Amaryah has a new post up about slow living because the best cure is always prevention. 

4. The Colour.full Development girls are all about navigating adulthood, including, work/study, self, and relationships. Here's an encouraging word from them to you.

5. This thread on juggling different responsibilities; think of your responsibilities as balls, some are made of glass and some are made of plastic. Sometimes the balls are going to fall - and that's okay! - just make sure that the ones in the air are the glass ones. 

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Remember that you cannot come and kill yourself. And that if you don't make time for wellness, your body will force you to make time for illness. And that no matter what capitalism tells you, your value is not dependent on what you produce. My faith tells me that my value comes straight from God, whether or not I produce will not change that, so I cannot come and die for worldly measures of success and believe them before I believe God. 

If you have any questions for me and/or Oppy, comment below or email me. Also, tell us about how work stress has affected your relationships and how you overcame (or didn't) that strain and let's talk about it. And what are some of the ways that you take care of yourself in stressful periods to avoid burnout or to recover from it? Your answer could really help someone, including myself because ya girl still doesn't know how to be intentional about resting. 

If you know someone who would enjoy this post, make sure you share it with them. It goes a long way for me (not that I am subscribing to worldly performance measures of my blog's success 👀).

As always, thank you for spending this time with, in today's case, us, and see you soon. x

Happy Tuesday, from me and mines x

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